Late Fess up Friday: A moment to think: Ha!

When I started this blog I was on maternity leave with a 10 month old. I was busy. And tired. And I just wanted a moment to think. A moment for me. A moment to myself.

And now I look back at that time and wish I had the time for myself now that I had then.

People, I am sinking. And I know you all do and I am not in any kind of special circumstance. Stay at home Mom or Work outside the home Mom, we are all over worked (and underpaid!). We all wish we had a moment for ourselves. We are all trying to do it all and in many cases, succeeding with flying colors (I have a colleague with a 22 month old, full time job and is taking her MBA. Wow. Just Wow.)

I am not succeeding with flying colors. I am drowning. I am admiting this to you all because I need to write it outloud. And I have a strange ‘trust’ for the interwebs.

Allow me to complain a little. New very challenging job, which I love, but is hard. 14 month old who is teething and generally trouble. Trying to keep this blog afloat, because now that I have rediscovered the writer in me I get twitchy if I don’t write every couple days (I have been mighty twitchy lately). Taking an online course to try and get a certificate so I can get my human resources designation. Said course is a hell of a lot of work. Trying to keep family fed on something other then take out. Trying to keep clothing on our bodies and a house which isn’t a luxury hotel for germs. Trying to still have time and energy left over to spend time with the Husband. Oh, and I really should start working out. That is on my list for tomorrow. Maybe the next day.

Last night I slept for 3 hours (see teething baby) and so maybe I am a little emotional today. But I have been feeling this drowing feeling for a while now. And I don’t know how to deal. It’s not like I can cut anything out. I can’t not work. I can’t stop feeding family or have us all go naked. I won’t let go of writing (even if I let it go to the wayside for a week or two). Won’t because it is something I need to keep sane.

I should probably stop not take anymore courses for my certificate until this calms down. But really, will it ever slow down? Really?

How do you all deal? Do you have a magic secret? Because you all look so put together and doing great and all.

Now I understand why my parents got take out a lot and the house wasn’t always particularly tidy (no offense Mom!).

Fess Up Friday: the cheerful edition

Ready for it? I am going to be 98% positive in this post. I know, your shocked. Especially after a number of weeks of winging from me. Thanks for tolerating, y’all. I have a number of happy things to confess.

1) A got sick this week. Like pukey sick. Obviously that is not the good part (I am getting my 2% negative out of the way early). The good part was that unlike the last time she got sick, where I winged about having to stay home with her, this time I enjoyed it. I missed her. I missed having time to play with here. The last couple of weeks I feel like the only time I have had with her has been occupied my me trying to get stuff done while getting her to stop tugging at my pant leg. So the idea of a whole day to play with her (admittedly regularly interrupted by pukeyness) was so nice. I was HAPPY ABOUT HAVING A PUKEY TODDLER! If that isn’t a confession I don’t know what is.

2) Next week I move into an office. I have occupied the no-(wo)mans land of the desk in the middle of the office since I started my current job in Nov. 07. NOW I GET TO HAVE A DOOR THAT CLOSES! I can’t tell you how happy I am. Also, I get to do a more challenging role! And I LOVE new challenges at work. The harder my job is, the happier I am. Again, I say, if that isn’t a confession I don’t know what is.

3) Weight lost: 3lbs. Okay, so it isn’t much, and it could just be water weight. But I did much much better with my cookie/bread/muffin/chocolate cravings this week. I didn’t have cookies at all this week. I had a not so healthy lunch on Wednesday followed by splitting a desert with a colleague. Oh and a glass or 2 of wine on Wednesday night. And some too many mini cupcakes today to celebrate a colleagues last day. But other then that I was good! (Don’t worry- I promise not to turn this into Bridget Jones Diariay-esque with constant weight lose updates… but sharing this fit into my cheerful Fess Up theme.)

That’s all. I Fessed Up! Now go see Brooke.

ControverSunday: Food, plus bonus late Fess Up Friday

Thanks again to our lovely host Perpetua and our queen-o-badge Accidents. Go visit them. Oh and go read all the other contributions this week, they are awesome.

This isn’t my first post about food. And it likely won’t be my last. Whether we are talking what A eats, what I eat or what our family as a whole eats… well…. I have a lot to say on the issue. So least this become an 8000 word blog post, I think I will look at two small parts of the pictures.

First, A. I have written complained before about A’s food woes. Some babies have sleep issues. My baby has food issues. Like from day 1. Fast forward 13 months and it is still the most challenging part of our day. But here is where I stand on food for A. I am trying, as best I can, to let her try new things in her own time. What is really important is that what she is trying is healthy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with giving your kid a treat once and a while. But I firmly believe that when it comes to kids and food, 90-95% of what they eat should be healthy and with as little processing as possible. Sugar, preservatives, salt, trans fat, stabilizers and all weird ingredients you can’t pronounce should be avoided. But sure, if they love them some ketchup or arrowroot cookies, fine, let them have it…. 90%-10%. But if your kid eats McDonald’s happy meals every day for lunch and then take out pizza every day for dinner… well….all I can say is that I would beg you to reconsider.

Anyway, back to A. Sure the kid only eats like 7 things. But those 7 things are healthy. Applesauce, (plain unsweetened) yogurt, nutrios (cheerios with out salt and sugar), pasta (made from quinoa and kamut), homemade bread, squash and avocado. The truth is, if you only offer healthy food, you kid will only eat healthy food.

So I am fairly confident that my kid will have a healthy diet, because my husband and I are committed to it.

Now- here is where I merge ControverSunday and Fess Up Friday into one.

The problem in this household, when it comes to food, is me. Me. Which makes me feel like a big hypocrite, especially because some of my first posts for this blog were about eating real food and the important of healthy eating. I watch Jamie’s Food Revolution and I say “Right On” and then I look down at my waist line and cringe.

First of all, I consider myself a bit of a foodie and someone who is very interested in the local/organic/whole foods idea. I know what a 1800 calorie diet looks like. I read labels. I know how to avoid added salt and sugar. I try to make most things from scratch. I try to meal plan. I try to eat well.

But. Truth be told, I am fairly overweight. Like about 50lbs. (And not 50lbs away from a size 2, 50lbs away from a size 8.) I whined a couple weeks ago in my ‘Fess up Friday’ about needing to lose some weight. I am really struggling with it. Because it is not as easy as just not eating junk food and fizzy pop. You see, sure I don’t drink pop (except Ginger ale when I am sick) and it is once in a blue moon I will have fast food or chips/candy. I don’t eat a lot of processed foods and my meals are pretty healthy. But I have a couple pretty strong addictions to the following not so healthy but totally foodie things:

-Chocolate. Dark dark chocolate.

-Baked goods, especially cookies, cupcakes and muffins. (Micheal Pollan in his latest book “Food Rules” has a rule (39) which says you can eat all the treats you want, so long as you make them yourself. Um… he totally underestimates my love of baking)

-Wine

-Cheese

-Bread

So I have a relationship with food that is both good and bad. Good in that I know what I should eat and I eat pretty healthy meals. I love fruits and vegetables. A good salad makes me happy. Bad in that I snack a lot and eat too much of my indulgence foods.

I really want to get my act together, as I am worried about the impact on A of having an unhealthy Momma. They say kids that grow up with overweight parents are more likely to be overweight themselves. I want to deal with my weight issues for me, but I also realize that impact they will have on her. But honestly, I just can’t seem to resist the treats. They are everywhere. And I know I won’t be successful on a diet if it is too strict. So I need to find a way to cut down on the ‘extras’ without just totally binging later on. And actually, what I think I need, is some way to replace the feeling I get from eating a treat with something else. I am 100% an emotional eater. And 3pm and 8pm are the worst times for me. I want something. And I want it sweet. But really, I want to treat myself. It isn’t really about the food so much as it about wanting to sooth stress or give myself a reward. So I need to find a new reward. And I need to get into an exercise routine. I know I can do this. Now I just have to make it happen.

Fess Up Friday

Okay, let’s get right into it, eh?

1) I have NO IDEA how to play with a 1yr old. Seriously. I got peek-a-boo and a couple of songs. That is it. And every time  I get on the floor to play with her, she toddles away from me and plays on her own. So then I get up and take a sip of coffee and sit on the couch and she toddles back over to me and starts whining for me to pick her up. I suck. Honestly, I just feel like my only role is to stop her from hurting herself and occasionally engage her by responding to her babbling. Is there a course or something I can take to be one of those “fun” Moms that always gets their kid to laugh? I am way too boring.

2) On that note…. I am beginning to believe/hope that I am a better “kid” and “teenager” Mom then I am a “baby” or “toddler” Mom. I mean, I can see myself rocking at the whole “I don’t want to clean my room” or the “I hate you, you are embarrassing.” But I am just not so good at  the “waaaaaaaaaa” or the “WAAAAAAAAA (complete with pointing at random object which is wanted)”. I don’t read minds.

3) I am getting tired of people, upon finding out that I have recently returned to work from maternity leave, saying “Oh, I am sorry. That must really be hard/suck/difficult/sad.” I mean, I am not mad at them for saying it, they are just trying to be understanding/supportive/making small talk/whatever. But I feel kinda heartless saying, “Actually I am way happier and I think my kid is happier too.” (For an explanation of why I feel this way, see #1 and #2). I mean, I know I am not heartless. Lots of Mom’s prefer to work outside the home. Just like lots of Mom’s prefer to stay at home. But everyone assumes I must be devastated. And I am finding that hard.

4) My kid has an eye infection. So I have an extended long weekend, starting yesterday. I should be happy. But I am not. Again, see #1, #2 and #3.

5) Is it bad that I think it is frustrating that I have to stay home? Truth of the matter is that she isn’t really sick. She woke up from a nap with gucky, crusty, puffy eye. She got 3 doses of over the counter anti-bac drops Wednesday night/Thursday morning and by the time we got the ‘real prescription’ drops on Thursday morning all of the guck-i-ness was gone and all of the puffiness was gone. There was never any dreaded “pink.” She never once rubbed her eyes. The only issue she has is that I keep on having to swaddle her up tight so she can’t punch and kick me while I hold her eyelid open so I can squirt some drops in.  Anyway, back to my point. I KNOW she is probably CONTAGIOUS. And the last thing I want is for all her little dayhome friends to get the guck-eye too. BUT. We actually don’t know that she really has an eye infection. All the doctor did was look at her for 2.3 seconds and assume it was probably an eye infection and therefore she needed the prescription. Oh whatever, I am just grumpy. Yes, I know, she needs to stay home even if we just *think* she has an infection. Better safe then sorry. Bah.

6) A eats one of two meals for dinner all week: pasta with squash or avocado, eggy bread (french toast sans milk and syrup) with mixed veggies. That is all I got. Beyond that, I am totally out of ideas. What do toddlers eat (that is healthy)? Apparently she will eat all kinds of veg, fruit and even chicken at the day home. She won’t touch it at home. We have tried scrambled eggs at least 15 times now- it all ends up on the floor. I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to feeding a toddler.

7) (I almost forgot). I miss cable. I wish I didn’t. But at the end of the day I just want to vegetate in front of the TV.

Now go visit Brooke for more Fess Up Friday fun!

Fess Up Friday

So apparently I am turning the light hearted Fess Up Friday (hosted by the lovely Brooke at Mommy in Chief- go say hi!) into confess to the interwebs all of my worst qualities. Last week? My no good grumpy moods. This week?

1) Control.Yep, I am a big control freak. Try as I might to curb it, I am just not happy unless I am in charge. My. Poor. Husband. I need to figure out how to let it go. I am driving even myself nuts!

2) Anger. I didn’t used to be an angry person, but I find post-pregnancy that I get angry in a way I never used to. And it is more often then I should. And it is totally irrational. Don’t worry- I don’t get angry at my kid (well, I do swear under my breath before I open her door at 3am when she wakes up screaming). I just sometimes feel mad and I clench my teeth. Usually over something so utterly stupid that I can’t even believe I am mad. Which makes me even angrier.

3) Over reaction. Yep, I do that too. My husband (seriously, I don’t know how it puts up with me) says something small, not a big deal, in passing. And I flip out. Again, I have no idea why. I need to simmer it down. What is wrong with me?

4) I wish I had time to myself. I love being back at work. I do. But there is one thing I sooooo miss. That time I got to myself for an hour or two a day while A was taking a nap. I got that time, to myself, to be alone. Now, the way I get time alone is if I either sequester myself in a hidden room OR if my husband takes A out on the weekend. I can’t get that time daily like I used to. I miss it. A lot. I need that time to calm down, think, relax and re-group. But how do I get that when I am running around until 8:30pm at night, at which point there is about an hour (yeah, I go to bed EARLY) before I crash and I have barely said a word to my husband yet. I want to spend time with him, but I feel selfish because I want even more to just be alone.

I can’t do everything. But I need to find some balance so I can get my sanity back.

5) I need to start exercising. And eating better. People, I need to loose some weight. I know, not a very original confession, but it is true. I feel crappy about myself. I lost a good 40 lbs before I got pregnant (and I still needed to lose an other 30 at that point), and now I am not far from where I was before I lost the weight. All that work and I have to do it all over again. It sucks. I am mad at myself that I haven’t really gotten serious about it. But I feel like I don’t have time. I am already exhausted, have no time to myself and no time for my husband… how I am I going to fit an exercise routine in there? Isn’t there some thing that exercises you while you sleep? That is what I need. Or maybe just less cookies and chocolate.

6) My chocolate addiction is out of hand. It is my office’s fault. We always have chocolate and it lives on the counter behind my desk. It needs to go away. I can’t seem to go a day without it now. Especially at 3pm. Agggg!!!

Okay. I am done. Feel much better now.